


Smoke and Ashes

by asongwritteneasily



Series: Changes [1]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: M/M, joong is barely there, mom!hwa, no beta we die like men, san is moody in this one, sort of a more realistic approach?, sort of pre-slash, sort of sappy at the end, woo is mercurial
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26484559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asongwritteneasily/pseuds/asongwritteneasily
Summary: The grey areas in between them are like smoke and ashes, warm and coiling but San wasn’t sure he was ready to pull his friend closer, tighter with a promise that their careers and lives won’t come chasing them down.OrSan wanted Wooyoung and the other may wanted him back but them both weren’t ready for that conversation or so he thought.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung
Series: Changes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1925554
Comments: 2
Kudos: 41





	Smoke and Ashes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Killerteletubbie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Killerteletubbie/gifts).



San cupped Wooyoung’s face and the other looked at him with a gaze full of mirth, something heady swimming deep in his eyes as he tilted his head, relaxed and trusting; it was always easy for them, too easy to play this game in front of their fans, hearing the deafening screams as a sort of background music to their antics and think nothing of it.

After all, were they really close like that or just faking it until making it?

At the beginning it was just that; they had chemistry, everyone in their group and company knew that, from Hongjoong to their managers to the pretty stylist on their usual hair salon, everyone could see there was something intrinsically attractive in their interaction, something inherently sensual in the way they look at each other and cling with faces way too close and hands way too careless around intimate places. 

San mentioned this to Wooyoung casually, and secretly agree they will exploit it for the sake of themselves and their team; they both felt secure enough about their preferences to not feel uncomfortable by being perceived as a little less straight -which was more or less the idol norm- to their fans, and Wooyoung was already androgynous enough, ambiguously sexy enough to appeal both men and women to care much about adding a layer that will make him even more popular.

They were close and they were friends, but there was nothing else to it.

Or so he thought.

“What got into that pretty little head of yours?” Wooyoung asked with a raise of eyebrow, mouthing his words carefully, there were blinding lights going out from time to time, and he couldn’t help to think the other chose the worse timing to be so perceptive. “You looked far away a moment there.”

San smiled-smirked, the corner of his mouth tilting up just a bit, showing half a dimple, there was more screaming and cooing from the crowd. He rubbed Wooyoung’s cheek with his thumb, provoking a reaction; for the untrained eye, it could look like the other was blushing at his touch, in reality he was rubbing the make up out of Wooyoung’s cheek. The other pouted playfully, but his eyes remained questioning.

“Sannieeee.” Wooyung stage whispered for the crowd to hear. “Stoooop it.”

San chuckled and let his hand drop to his side, choosing to wrap his arms around Wooyoung, pulling him close, chin tucked on his shoulder. The other man was the best hugger out of the group, he was warm and comforting and liked to hold you; Sam always thought any girl or guy catching Wooyoung’s mercurial self was in for one of their best experience on their lives. 

“You two, please.” Hongjoong’s voice, soft but exasperated called. “Sit down.”

San walked both of them to a chair, manhandling Wooyoung into his lap as the other laughed, snuggling into his arms with a impertinent expression on his face; he wasn’t very fond of all the weight Wooyoung lost for their comeback but one of the perks that the other’s frame, smaller and lighter, was so much easier to hold and maneuver as his liked. Wooyoung elbowed him, he was like a cat playing with a mouse, hadn’t forgotten about his question. San brushed his lip’s against the shell of Wooyoung’s ear, on purpose.

“I was thinking.” He said and his accent slipped just a little bit, voice rough. “About you.”

The thing was, the more San forced himself to think everything he felt, visceral and unfiltered by logic and common sense, was nothing to him and they were just playing a game, the more he felt he was losing. 

“About me?” Wooyoung asked coyly, lashes fluttering seductively at San. “What about?”

But the grey areas in between them are like smoke and ashes, warm and coiling and San wasn’t sure he was ready to pull his friend closer, tighter with a promise that their careers and lives won’t come chasing them down.

He wasn’t sure Wooyoung was ready to realize that their game spiraled out of their control a while a go, that they sat like the frog on the slowly simmering water thinking that what they thought as a publicity stunt was getting more and more real the more they play pretend.

And here, here was when San could say something along the lines of _wanting_ , could lean forward and be damned their team and their agency and even the fans; he could grasp Wooyoung’s neck, kissing him softly, pry his lips open, wreck him in front of their never ending audience, left him panting and wanton and ready to take it further. 

He could, would, should... But he chose not to.

“I was thinking that you look like a yorkie with your bangs on your tiny face.” He said and smirked, watching Wooyoung going from sultry to affronted. “I almost thought you will start barking.”

So he lied.

To their team.

To their managers.

To their fans.

To Wooyoung.

To himself.

The slap on his chest stung and he rubbed it as Wooyoung huffed indignantly, standing up leaving him cold and with a tiny bit of regret dancing in his mind eye; he kept telling himself this was the best, that he was probably just tired and oversensitive because they hadn’t have a breather since so long that he was 21 but felt 81.

He deluded himself into thinking that he was not hurting and pushing his friend because he was a coward who preferred a broken heart over breaking the world as he knew it.

San watched Wooyoung whining at their leader, at the fans pointing an accusatory finger at him, his voice high pitched and cute in a lethany of ‘sanieyah’ ‘so mean’ and the world eating it all; he suddenly felt drained but managed to laugh anyways, after all he was an idol, an entertainer and he was living to make his fans, his Atinys happy.

Even if it cost him a shred of his soul.

The drive back to their dorms was tinted with the tiredness of their activities but as his body was ready to call it a day, his mind was on overdrive. San was unusually quiet, his eyes wandering out of the window as he purposely ignore everyone, sitting alone in the back, leaving Wooyoung to cling to Yeosang for a change and he curled into himself, face blank.

Once in their home, he went straight to Yunho and his room, put on his sweats and shirt and pulled the covers over his head; he drifted in and out of a light sleep until he felt a hand over the mop of his hair.

“Something happened?” Seonghwa’s voice was tranquil, non-judgemental. “Are you upset?”

San pulled the cover tighter around himself, he didn’t trusted his voice to not reveal his inner thoughts; he wasn’t upset, he was coping and he didn’t know how to explain he was mourning over something it never existed, that he wasn’t allowing to exist.

“Is this about Wooyoung?” Seonghwa pressed, as any mother would do and San almost chocked a laugh. “What is up with you two?”

San sighed as the conversation became inevitable, he broke from his self made cocoon, sitting up and Seonghwa let him breath, taking a chair next to his bed with an open and eager expression on his face; San smiled at him taking his hand on his. 

“Hyung.” He said slowly. “Can we quit with the woosan for a bit?” He lowered his eyes. “I’m... It’s getting confusing.”

Seonghwa’s realization washed over him like tides and his expression turned like a gyroscope; shades and colours and shapes reflecting one another until it settled into a perfect pattern; San squeezed his hand, eyes soft and the other man turned his gaze at him, as he could see through his doubts and insecurities. As on cue, Wooyoung’s bright, squeaky laugh resonated on the hallway. 

“Are you...” Seonghwa hesitated and San stared at him. “Do you have feelings for him?”

His stomach churned at the word ‘feelings’ and he let a breath he didn’t know he was holding; Did he? Did he have feelings for Wooyoung? Or he was just horny and his friend was hot, secure enough to let his body thought in maybes. He was clearly attracted to the other but feelings? Feelings are chemical defects caught on the losing side.

“I don’t know...” He whispered. “Sometimes I think I’m in love with him and sometimes I think I’m just confused because I’m lonely, I miss having a girlfriend and I’m touch starved.”

Seonghwa nodded with a muted expression, like he knew exactly what San was talking about and perhaps he did, perhaps everyone did; sometimes he thought that most of idol groups had some sort of Stockholm syndrome variant in where they were banned from dating yet they were forced into close quarters with extremely attractive and good looking people, and genders were... overseen in order to fulfill more basic needs.

“Well...” Seonghwa said and San was sure he was thinking in someone in particular, perhaps they also had those grey areas, imposible to define. “In that case, better to not act on it.”

So, they were both cowards.

And maybe, it wasn’t that bad.

San was about to ask something else when the door slammed open and Wooyoung entered with bright, wet eyes zooming over him; he felt his insides went cold because Wooyoung was Wooyoung and eavesdropping was the lesser of his faults. He looked at Seonghwa like he was intruding, making a sound down his throat that could well be a fuck off by the sound of it.

“Can we have a moment Hyung.” A pause and a afterthought. “Please.”

Seonghwa tried very hard to convey wordlessly to San that if he wasn’t ready to have this conversation then he won’t move but he just nodded at him, knowing what sort of unstoppable force was Jung Wooyoung when upset and in need of answers. He stood up soundlessly sparing a warning glance to Wooyoung before exiting the room, closing the door behind them.

“Young-ah” He said, eyes pleading.”How much did you hear?”

San fidgeted and Wooyoung glowered at him.

“Enough to know you were about to cancel us without me knowing?” He said and he voice was enraged but he was crying and San hated it. “Enough to know you are confused but didn’t even thought I am confused as well?”

He was not ready for this conversation.

“I know you are.” San said softly, wanting to wipe Wooyoung’s tears. “I know and that is why I think is better for us to stop for a while until we clear our heads.”

Wooyoung looked surprised for a moment and then he walked over San’s bed, perching himself in the furthest corner, as far away of him as he could. Both gathered their hand over their laps, and it was so alien to be like that, the awkwardness setting over them like a thick, scratchy blanket.

“I care for you too much.” San said sincerely. “I don’t want to ruin things between us. How are you sure it just not us-”

San registered two things: Wooyung’s blazing eyes and a weight slamming onto his chest.

Then soft, gentle lips over his own.

Wooyoung pulled back, just slightly.

“How are _you_ sure?” He whispered and San was too dizzy with feelings to do anything but try to chase Wooyoung’s mouth with his own. “How are you so sure we are going to fuck thing between us by acting up and not because we are both dumb and too much of a coward to admit the game we played ended long ago and we are fucking in love with each other?”

Wooyoung step out of their embrace and started to pulling clothes out of his body until San felt the need to look away; he barely registered the other changing, dressing himself in San’s shorts and sweatshirt, opening the door and screaming at Yunho to sleep on his room tonight, gaining assorted protests from everyone involved. He clicked the door close, going as far as putting the lock on it knowing the managers didn’t like that and threw himself over San until they were both under the covers.

“We are going to get scolded.” San whispered on Wooyoung’s hair and the other snorted. “Hongjoong hyung is going to yell at us.”

Wooyoung looked up, stared right into his soul with a serious expression and San froze in time, in space and between heartbeats. This time the kiss was more than just a press of lips and San felt how something ignited a fire within his chest, leaving him breathless.

“We are doing this.” San said, just to hear it at loud. “Aren’t you afraid?”

Wooyoung smiled at him but it was a smile he had never see on the other’s face.

“Deathly so.” He drawled with a hint of mirth. “But we are in this together right?”

San’s heart suddenly was too large on his chest and he pulled Wooyoung close, studying his face before leaning forward to kiss the new smile away, to wrap his arms around the other, to fit their bodies together and for the first time he let himself just to feel and not to think. 

“Together until the end.”

San breathed between kisses and he thought Wooyoung believed him.

He hoped he did.

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by me doing snooping searches of some juicy dating gossip from ATEEZ and coming with only woosan xd (like, real honest to god fan accounts of them being real and hiding it)


End file.
